


Don't Let Me Lose Myself

by Sinsanity



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Aroace Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, I'm making that a tag, Trans Character, binding, how do tag, just a lil bit tho, kind of venty?, no beta we die like men, safe binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 05:20:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinsanity/pseuds/Sinsanity
Summary: Patton wants to lose weight, but he's scared that losing weight will cause him to lose who he is.





	Don't Let Me Lose Myself

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm determined to make aroace roman a tag. Also be safe reading this, please. It's not incredibly graphic but if you talking about dysphoria triggers you then at least proceed with caution!

The air was cold against his skin as he stared at his figure in the mirror. The binder pressing against his skin tightly, hiding what made him, her. Because he wasn’t her. He never was and never would be. Appearances were very deceiving even to the eye of the owner. 

He locked gazes with his reflection, staring at the chubbiness of his body. He had been wanting to lose weight for a while. As much as the others claimed he was handsome, and his chubbiness was more than welcome, he still wanted to lose weight. 

Sure, he’d never be as thin as Virgil or as buff as Roman, or as proportionate as Logan. But part of that was because he wasn’t like them. His body was completely different. The thought of starting testosterone and going through hormone replacement therapy had crossed his mind more than once. But part of him didn’t want to, not yet at least. Which sounded so wrong to his own ears, and he burst into tears when he told the others. Of course, they all supported him, assuring him that it didn’t make him any less of a man.

He poked at the pieces of fat that filled over and under his binder. He really did want to lose weight though. Partially because he wanted to stay healthy and live a long happy life with his friends and family. Especially for his boyfriends/qpp. 

However, the one problem that stood in his way, the only thing keeping him from even trying to lose weight, was that he didn’t want to look more feminine. It was a stupid fear because he knew that losing weight and being more healthy should be more important than his stupid fears, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

He was too afraid that if he lost the roundness in his face, or the chub around his waist that made his hips stand out less, that he would begin to look more like her, rather than who he was.

Even more so, he didn’t want to see how pretty he looked and forget that he was a boy. Because what if he looked better as a girl? What if he was just desperate for attention and called himself a boy to gain it? What if it was all a lie? A facade that would break as soon as he saw his cheekbones and jawline that was too rounded and smooth? The waist that curved in, just slightly more than the average man?

Tears streamed down his face as he hugged himself tightly, his gaze never leaving the reflection that showed him what he failed to be. 

A knock on the door sounded before Virgil’s voice came through. “Hey, Pat, everything okay in there?” His voice was low as he spoke, but filled with concern that flooded Patton’s veins that flowed with ice, sending warmth racing through his skin and leaving a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, kiddo, I’m okay!” He replied, fake cheer in his voice, hoping Virgil wouldn’t notice. He should have known better, this was Virgil, probably the only one who could and would call bullshit when anyone lies or tries to pretend they’re fine when they’re not. Patton almost felt bad, he knew Virgil hated lies, if only because someone always got hurt by them.

He heard a sigh from outside the door and hunched his shoulders preparing for a lecture when Virgil spoke again, his voice small and quiet as it barely passed the barrier of the door, “Let me in, Pat.” 

Patton clenched his eyes shut, willing away the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks once more, as he pasted a smile on his face and opened the door, one arm still wrapped around himself. “Hey, kiddo-” “Don’t.” He stopped, his smile faltering slightly as he stared at Virgil who stared at him worriedly, his expression stone as he glared at Patton in concern. It was such a Virgil thing to do.

Patton let his smile drop as Virgil opened his arms, allowing Patton to just flop into the embrace where he was held warm against the other’s boney chest. “You’re too skinny Virge.” 

He felt the other man’s chest rumble as he chuckled. “You still let me hug you, so I think I’m just the right amount of skinny.” Patton hummed against the other man’s chest. “Do you wanna tell me what’s going on?” His boyfriend asked, his voice soft as he tightened his grip around Patton.

The two stood in silence for a moment as he mulled over the pros and cons of discussing such an issue. Part of him wanted to and knew he should talk to someone about it, and who better than the man who practically lived his life in fear. But at the same time, part of him was scared that Virgil would laugh at him or be disgusted by the thought of Patton looking more feminine in figure.

Letting out a sigh, Patton closed his eyes and pressed himself closer to Virgil, as though trying to burrow into the other man. 

“I want to lose weight.” Silence. He pulled away just enough to see Virgil blink down at him in confusion. 

“Okay?” He drew the word out as his brows furrowed in thought. “Are… I, don’t understand Pat. Is that why you were crying?” 

A blush lit up the chubby man’s face as he buried his nose into Virgil’s chest once more. “No! Yes? Kind of, but not really…” He let out a huff of frustration as he tried to get the words to come out. “I just, if I lose weight that means I’ll lose all the fat that hides the parts of me that don’t belong. I’ll look like a girl.” His voice broke as he ranted about how he felt. 

“And I’m scared that if I look in the mirror and see that I look more feminine, I’ll realize that I’ve been lying to everyone including myself this whole time. I don’t want to be a girl again Virgil, but I’m scared that if I look pretty and feminine, then I’ll realize that I only wanted to be a boy because I was such an ugly, fat girl! I don’t want to lose you or Logan or Roman because I won’t be a guy anymore!” By the point he had finished ranting, his words had devolved into sobs as he broke down against the other man who just held him tightly in his arms.

They stood there for a long time, Patton sobbing against the thin man’s chest, his hands tangled in the other’s black and purple patchwork hoodie as he rocked them both to soothe the sobbing man. Through sobs and sniffles, he heard the telltale voice of the man as he sang quietly to him, his voice higher than most would assume, but still holding a dark tone to it. 

After a while, Patton’s sobs began to die down. He felt Virgil pull away slightly and only gripped the man closer to him, afraid that he would leave and never return. A soothing sensation filled him as the other squeezed him gently and shushed his whimpers. “It’s okay, Patton. I’m not gonna leave you. Nobody else will either.”

Heaving, one last deep breath, he relinquished his hold on the man’s hoodie, pulling away before wiping his tears away with his fist. “You don’t know that.”

Virgil chuckled before reaching over and ruffling his curly, strawberry blonde hair. “Yeah, I do you dork. Look, I don’t really understand how you feel, I can’t imagine how difficult and confusing it must be to feel so lost about your gender. And I may not be as smart as Mr. Textbook, but if there’s one thing I do know it's that, None of us would give you up. Not in a house, not for a mouse.” Patton let out a snort of amusement, making Virgil’s lips quirk. 

“You know that none of us are strictly dickly-” Patton swatted him on the arm with a slight glare even as amusement flooded his features “-so if you decide that you are indeed a girl, then our relationship won’t change much if at all. But Patton, no matter how you look, chubby or skinny, feminine or masculine, or whatever the hell else that doesn’t fit into those stupid labels, we all love you. And we’re all going to support you no matter what. You’re famILY.”

Tears welled in both their eyes as they stared at each other. “You’re such a  _ door _ -k,” He said as he knocked on the door, causing Virgil to groan fondly as Patton giggled. “Thank you, Virge.” He leaned up and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek before holding his hands tightly in his own.


End file.
